I feel like abortions should bother me more
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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