Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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