I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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