hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
