I'm eating all of the evidence.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
