He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
