About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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