I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
