My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
