Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
