I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
