he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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