he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
