i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
