Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
