Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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