i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize