Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
