So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
