Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Found your dick twin last night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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