I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
