tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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