worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize