Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
