you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
