It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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