OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
