I accidentally had phone sex last night
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
