He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
