Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
