mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
