Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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