ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
