Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
