I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
did i walk over a car last night?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
