So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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