When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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