Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
