Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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