two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
