I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize