im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize