Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They took my balls.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
