That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
