I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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