my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
