a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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