he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
