remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
