wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize