I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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