I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
