Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize