I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
