I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
