Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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