Can i not drive my cunt home
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
