life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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