That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
