I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize