Don't make out with my wife yet
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
