Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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