Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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