2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
