If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
