he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
