Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
